Published February 4, 2019
Got To Find That Love Again
Credit: MosaicEYE via Instagram
I want you to sit back and think about your journey thus far. Are there some things that you wish you could’ve not said or done? If we could only turn back the hands of time, right? But, how helpful is regret?
Regret is the feeling of sadness over something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity. Regret is such a heavy and ineffective emotion. It allows us to ruminate on things that has the potential to be repaired or forgiven, but our energy is focused on the negative which impairs growth.
To grow through regret, one must forgive self. Though forgiveness is usually seen as an external act, many believe that we must be forgiven or provide forgiveness when wrongness takes place. Forgiveness is personal, forgiveness can happen whether you vocalize it or not and most importantly, forgiveness is for you!
Forgiveness is the end of feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.Regret is internal resentment. We are turning inwards and harming ourselves for actions that cannot be taken back. Forgiveness allows us to see matters for what they are/were, but provides space for growing and understanding which propels us on our journey. Both forgiveness and regret are verbs which means you must make an effort to do both. Knowing you’re in control of how you feel, why not choose healing?
Becoming active in your healing is the only way to get out of the storm. Journaling is a helpful way of releasing any pent up emotions you may have for yourself. Being able to write down an incident and ending on how you’re able to do better next time, is a positive way to end an entry that may have started out unhealthy. Apologizing to oneself is also a helpful way to work on forgiveness. Sharing how you didn’t honor yourself and/or someone else and understanding the impact your behavior has can guide you to making better decisions in the future. If you’re aware on how to do better, choose that the next time you’re faced with a similar situation. If you’re unaware how to navigate the situation currently or in the future, do you have supports that can assist you? If so, reach out. Lastly, if the situation presents itself, apologize to the individuals you’ve hurt; whether intentional or unintentional. Accountability, the commitment to do better and actually putting action to the words shared can lead to a better relationship or aid in closure. Most importantly, this can lead to a better you.
What steps have you taken to forgive and heal yourself? Are you currently struggling to forgive yourself?
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Loaded title right? Great! I wanted to get your attention if you consider yourself religious and feel like you’re grappling with your mental health. Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to focus on a topic that I know a great deal about. Being a Black woman, who derived from southern lineage, Christianity has been prevalent in my life. I grew up Pentecostal and would go to church every Sunday, attend Sunday school, convocations and conferences that focused on God and how we can be closer to him. I always wondered who and what God was as well as questioned why certain things did or didn’t happen even if I was a “good” person.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to value and practice spirituality and morality in conjunction with my belief in God. I’ve attended many services where prayer was heavy and submitting to God would bring forth all that you desire. I also remember that there were church members that appeared to be struggling with more. I would often hear the older saints discuss how “he’s a bit touched’ or “that ain’t nothing but the devil” and the good old saying “pray and turn it over to God”. But, I found as I’ve gotten older, that prayer isn’t enough for me. I would attend church, get a message, apply it, but something else was missing. I needed a different type of guidance and couldn’t find it in church. Luckily I grew up with a mother who was a social worker and was in tune with feelings, communication and believed in professional help.
I’m not here to bash religion or church, but provide you with the knowledge that you can seek mental health treatment and concurrently attend church/practice religion. There are many conflicts within every religion; the writings and teachings, which can be considered problematic or don’t reflect the current times. That is where guilt and remorse may begin to brew because you are constantly conflicted or trying to obtain an unattainable spiritual level. In that space, there is more self-sabotage or depressive symptoms exhibited, because I am not being a good ‘insert religion here’. All of these things affect our day to day living.
I am a firm believer that what you think, say and do can manifest, so naturally I believe in faith. I also believe in the importance of doing the work to carry me to where I want to go, and if that means finding additional supports outside of a church that is fine. Being well will allows you to treat others. Being well allows us to practice and instill morality in others. Being well allows us to grow.
How have you balanced your faith while addressing your mental health?
Published May 2, 2019
When Prayer Is Not Enough
Credit: Moko.Illustrations via Instagram
This month LOVE is being celebrated. How would you measure your love life? Has it been enjoyable, comical, or traumatic? What we experience impacts how we move going forward.
All my past relationships have taught me the most about myself. I’m able to see signs of problematic behavior, speak up, be confident in walking away and further foster my self-love. Recently getting out of a toxic relationship, I’ve had the time to grieve the relationship, self-reflect and tap into my worth and self-esteem.
This post is dedicated to those who have loved and lost, but want to get back out there.
Ways to get mentally prepared for love again:
Break Down Those Walls
-It’s natural to shrink into ourselves after a breakup, but putting up a wall blocks not only the bad, but the good from getting in. Break down those walls, but maintain your boundaries and standards.
Start Anew
-Each person whether they remind you of your ex or you’re afraid of being hurt again needs a clean slate. They aren’t your ex and not responsible for what occurred. It is important to be aware of problematic signs and to speak up when/if they occur. This assists with creating and utilizing vulnerability, developing and enforcing boundaries and increases your feelings of self-worth.
Self-Reflection
-We are the common denominator in any and all of our relationships. If you’re constantly dating users, abusers, emotionally unavailable individuals, what is it that attracts you to said people? We attract everyone; positive and negative. What matters is who WE choose. Why are you choosing these people who are not healthy for you? Do you think you’re not worth it? Do you feel like you’ll never have anyone, so you settle? Does your identity depend on whether or not you are in a relationship? Once we tap into our choices and do our internal work, we can then decide who is WORTHY of us.
If you do get back out there and it doesn’t work out, remember people come into our lives for a reason. What has that interaction/relationship taught you; the importance of self-love, the need to work on communication, the importance of boundaries? Understanding where things went wrong can assist you in your future selections and make it easier in walking away to better things.
If you are in a successful relationship, how did you get there? What skills do you and your partner practice to stay the course?
Published 9/25/2019
Under Attack?
Published July 10, 2019
Forgive and Regret?
Lauren Giwa, LCSW
Published April 3, 2019
Love with conditions
Published January 1, 2019
New Year
New Me?
Credit: Amanda Oleander via Instagram
Having it all. What does that even mean? Though success is often defined by society, it truly can only be measured by the individual. When you think of 'having it all' what does that look like? Personal accomplishments, career goals or both? Once we identify what WE view as success, what comes next is the creating and completing the action steps in getting there. Sounds easy right?
One thing I know about life is that what we plan does not necessarily work out the way we want it to completely. Or making said accomplishment is not linear. The point is to recognize and understand how you can move and grow while working toward your heart’s desire.
Before working on tasks, it is important to think about will this ‘object’, ‘job’, ‘relationship’ fulfill me? If what you desire doesn’t leave you full, is that thing truly for you?
How can you have it all and remain fulfilled?
Define what you want: It is imperative to have intention for the things you want. Just saying 'I need more money" is not enough to motivate you to work in your purpose and be compensated for it. Developing SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound) goals is important to have in order for you to work on goals and measure if and when something may need to be modified or taken out completely.
Packaging: Often we get so rigid in our goals that we believe we have failed if what we wanted to achieve doesn’t look like what we wanted it to, but in reality what we want truly can show up differently than we can ever think of. For example, say you wanted to be a singer. Traditionally vocal artists are chosen at a young age and they build up their craft over time. You being older, may feel discouraged, but you know that you have viable talent. Your contribution to the music industry could be writing lyrics for other artists or voice coaching other artists on the rise. It’s not what you wanted specifically, but the contribution you are making could potentially surpass what you can ever think of.
Delegate: You cannot make it to the top alone. Asking for assistance and delegating tasks out can maximize your time working on goals. It is also important to remember that not everything important is urgent. Once you hone in on this concept, it’ll be easier to prioritize and complete tasks in a specific order.
Ebbs and Flows: Every day won’t be stellar. Some days you will be tired or unmotivated to work on any goals. The point is to honor that feeling, reset and don’t stay in that feeling. <------Self-Sabotage
Find Purpose: This is where fulfillment comes in. By obtaining what you want how does this serve you or others? I knew by 9th grade that I wanted to be a psychotherapist. My empathy and the ability to engage people easily motivated me to begin looking into psychology. But, what fulfilled me was that I was assisting someone in making long lasting changes that could be carried throughout generations. Knowing the impact, I have on others and that this was something that I am passionate about led me on this successful, fulfilling journey.
Do you believe you have it all? How do you manage everything?
Published August 20, 2019
Trap Therapist
Published March 10, 2019
Can I have it all?
My blog post this month is totally different from my traditional writing. I often share that 98% of my clientele are Black or POC and I revel in that because I can be my true self as well as my clients. There is no need to code switch or worry about microaggressions. I provide the space for my patients to share and to just be. This month’s post is dedicated to my interview with Dylesia Barner, LCSW, the creator of Trap Therapist. I love the concept of this space because it fits who I am. I’m a Black business woman with formal education and life experience who enjoys Wu Tang Clan and swag surfing. In the interview I discuss how my upbringing motivated me to get into social work and mental health as well as why I am a strong advocate for Blacks to seek out treatment and continue to dismantle myths about therapy and stigma towards mental health.
https://soundcloud.com/user-671895525/lauren-giwa-lcsw?fbclid=IwAR0CU4yCFPjOifPYEA-R3NBUPRXCOXKniAJxyLnCxLkCgVrWnv5dm3Co54Q
Shirt: https://everydaypoetryboutique.com/
Credit: MaggieColeDraws via Instagram
Lately, I have been privy to a consistent theme; accountability and retaliation. Family, friends and patients have shared instances where they feel ‘guilty’ for holding others accountable and conversely, hearing other stories of ‘retaliation’, but the individual was being held accountable and felt attacked. Accountability can be directed towards you for both healthy and unhealthy situations. This piece will speak to accountability being delivered when negative experiences occur.
Accountability is the fact or condition of being responsible and retaliation means the action of harming someone because they have harmed oneself; revenge. As you can see, they do not mean the same thing, so why does being held accountable feel so much like an attack?
Whether international or not, you may have caused physical, emotional, mental or psychological harm to someone or something and the ownness is placed on you to rectify, pay, go to treatment, or remove yourself to take ownership of what you have done. Accountability may look like someone informing you of a hurtful tone used while speaking to them or being incarcerated because you physically assaulted someone. The joy of accountability is that it is teaching you how not to behave, as you are aware of what can happen if you continue to engage in unhealthy behavior. In essence, when you know better, you do better.
Importance of accountability
-It is important to take ownership of our behavior in order for us to grow. If being held accountable makes you feel uneasy, think about what you are doing to others and how it may be impacting them. Often when informed of our adverse behavior, our ego takes over which leads us to feel attacked, build resentment or completely negate the action entirely. How does this help you on your path to healing? How does this bring resolve between you and others? The answer is that it doesn’t. Being unable to see the wrong that we do, keeps us on a cycle of victimhood and places us on a destructive path.
Holding someone accountable
-If you’re a person who has taken on the task of holding others accountable; though difficult, celebrate yourself! By speaking up, you are upholding your boundaries as well as providing space for the aggressor to make better choices; whether you’re still around or not. Holding someone accountable is not easy. We may have to hold a parent, spouse, supervisor or child accountable and we are unsure how they will react or respond. The key is the more that you hold others accountable for their actions, your confidence will increase, communication skills will get better and if need be, you begin to prune people, places and situations out of your life, which will move you closer to peace.
Ways to hold others accountable
-Once it has been decided that a conversation needs to take place, it is imperative to communicate clear and effectively. When having difficult conversations, emotions are high, but it is important to remain calm, speak only facts, share what the outcome is and if necessary, how can you and the person find a resolution for this incident. Once a resolution has been identified, upholding what was agreed upon further enforces boundaries and accountability. If the incident occurs again, repeat the steps, inquire about any barriers and move forward or remove yourself completely as this person does not respect you or your boundaries.
Taking responsibility
-If we are the ones who have done wrong, remain open to a conversation about the incident. It is important to hold responsibility for our actions as well as share why you engaged in such behavior. By taking responsibility, we may be able to rebuild with the ones we harmed, understand that we may have a problem and lastly, we provide space for ourselves and the other party to continue to share with each and communicate beforehand to prevent other incidences.
What were some reasons why you’ve been held accountable and have you begun to make healthier choices?
Photo Credit: Annie Miteva via Instagram
How many times have we heard the phrase or even said “I love you unconditionally?” Have you ever truly taken the time to understand the meaning of that phrase? Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. For me, I understand it as you will love and be there for someone no matter what they do. That’s very loaded. Loving with conditions means you are setting boundaries and upholding them no matter what that relationship looks like.
Why UL is dangerous
-putting yourself second
-you and/or your partner aren’t validating your feelings
-potential for physical or emotional abuse
-continuance of generational trauma
-teaches others how to treat you based off of that relationship
For many, some conditions might be cheating, lying, verbal and physical abuse. Those deal breakers seem like blaring things to end any relationship. But what about other issues that seem to be in gray area, like maintaining positive mental health? Often we see articles or TV clips discussing our own mental health, but what if you have a partner, friend, parent, child struggling with their own mental health?
What you can do to support
-verbalize your concern and stick to the facts
-provide space for explanations and the development of your partner’s insight
-support mental health treatment
Sounds nurturing, right?
But what if they don’t seek treatment? Or develop insight into their problematic behaviors? In comes the conditions; your boundaries. It is imperative to put the oxygen mask on yourself and measure if your needs are being met in this relationship. Also, remember this isn’t just isolated to romantic relationships. There are family members or friends who can impact you in the same adverse way.
So what do you? Begin to understand the need for boundaries because the creation and enforcement of boundaries impacts our self-worth and self-esteem. When you know that you are worthy of a more fulfilling relationship, how can you settle? Too often we make concessions because people hold certain titles in our lives. It is important to take stock of who is in your life and to surround yourself with those who uplift you. Establishing and maintaining boundaries isn’t always easy; you will lose romantically, certain friends will fall off, you might not be invited to certain family gatherings, but would you want to anyway? Cultivating self-love and having a high regard for yourself will further empower and lead you to make and maintain better choices, furthering your need to create and maintain boundaries with anyone you come in contact with. This is a cycle I don't mind continuing.
What are some of your conditions that you have with the people that are in your life?
Credit: Amanda Oleander via Instagram
As I was getting dressed this morning, I realized I’ve been ghosted. I’m currently experiencing some stressful family events, so I didn’t pay attention until today.
Ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
So come on this journey with me.
This person has reached out to me before a couple of years ago; very light conversation. Nothing came from it and soon after I began a year and a half relationship with someone else. After my breakup, this person reached out again-how sweet right?
We would text consistently; which I love because of my employment and I’m mentally drained by the end of the day. We got to the point of planning a date and he asked to spend time with me. I thought that this was a positive sign and agreed. I also realized we haven’t spoken on the phone so I asked him to call when he was free and he agreed. The evening came and went. I received an apology text the next morning and he agreed to call again that evening. That night came and went. Then my family issues consumed my time. When I had my epiphany this morning, I did my due diligence to ensure that what I was feeling was indeed true. This person has been posting on social media and is alive and well. I smirked at my phone and instantly the writer’s block I was experiencing all month vanished as quickly as he did.
Ghosting derives from ego. For whatever the reason this person ended communication, my feelings were not taken into account. Ghosting is problematic because it shows immaturity, selfishness and poor communication skills. After my last relationship I’ve been diligently working on seeing things for what they are. Not romanticizing or making excuses for the reason why communication ceased. I simply gathered that this person isn’t interested anymore, which is fine. What is not okay is operate from a place of selfishness and disappear.
This isn’t my fist bout with ghosting, but this time around I looked at it differently. Years ago, I’d make concessions for the person; I provided space for them to continue to be inconsistent with me. Which led me to believe it was my fault or something was wrong with me. As I continue to work on my alignment with the universe, I understood this situation as this just simply isn’t my person. I asked myself these very questions: Do I want someone who couldn’t call me? Do I want someone who doesn't consider my feelings? Do I want someone who can’t communicate? The answer is NO! I was able to see the red flags before any time was wasted. I am grateful for that. This experience also taught me how to still put myself first and not tolerate such problematic behavior as well as uphold my boundaries.
When is ghosting okay?
Cutting off complete communication is only okay to do when your mental, emotional or physical safety are at risk. If you’re no longer interested, tell that person. Whether or not they work on whatever the reason is, at least you communicated your thoughts and feelings. That’s what maturity, speaking your truth and communication looks like. That is what a healthy termination is.
What to do if you’ve been ghosted?
See it for what it is-it’s 2019, there are multiple ways to communicate. The person simply doesn’t want to communicate or can’t and won’t share that they are having difficulties in doing so.
Understanding- this person has some pertinent skills to work on before being in a relationship; specifically with me. I understood that I don’t want to begin with a person who won’t provide space for communication and learning how this behavior is problematic.
Appreciation- No matter the stage of ghosting, understand and appreciate that you’ve come to the realization that this is not your person and that you’ve gotten the message and are willing to move on.
Heal and Get Back Out There-depending length of on the relationship, you may want to take a step back to process and regroup. Just don’t stay out the game. Give your time to someone who wants to be around you. Who’s excited to hear your voice over the phone. Be around individuals that fulfill you.
So I’m thankful for this person and the universe for pushing me to continue to do the work.
Have you ever ghosted someone? If you’ve learned from it, how have you grown?
Credit Obrazkovani via Instagram
Happy New Year Everyone!
I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday. Since this is the time where resolutions are the highest, I wanted to talk about self-sabotage. You know what that is, saying you're going to complete certain tasks, but they just don’t quite get done, and when the plan falls through, you just can’t seem to understand why.
What is it?
Self-sabotage is problematic behavior that WE are in control of that may lead to goals or tasks going unfulfilled. In essence, you are creating your own storm.
What causes it?
Self-sabotage is a byproduct of low self-esteem and self-worth. Not being able to truly believe in yourself leads to behavior that satisfies your true thought of yourself.
Go back and read that again.
For example, say that you are in a warm, loving relationship with someone, but you feel inadequate. Your partner is not verbally, emotionally or physically harming you, but due to you feeling like you’re not good enough or “why is this person with me anyway”, those unhealthy thoughts may lead to destructive behaviors which dissolves the relationship. When your partner leaves, your automatic thought could be, “it was only a matter of time before they left me anyway”. So, instead of doing internal work individually and possibly couples’ counseling, SS took over and now both of you are hurt and single.
Ways SS May Present Itself:
There are many different ways SS can manifest in your life. It is more than “laziness”.
Procrastination: Knowing certain tasks need to be completed by a certain time and not moving forward with completing it until the very last moment, which may lead to a poor representation of what you wanted to create or the task not getting completed at all.
Dreams Deferred: You have aspirations to achieve greatness, yet have not taken the steps to begin.
Anger: Having resentment towards others because they are doing what you want to do, but you have not been able to begin your process or maintain it.
Excessive Worry and Feelings of Worthlessness: Feeling as though you cannot achieve this goal or focusing on the potential opinions of others if you don’t succeed. This impedes us from getting started or staying the course.
Ways to combat SS:
Recognize your behavior: if you’re losing jobs or your relationships are suffering, identify what role do you play in these events?
Automatic Thoughts: While in the midst of your behavior, what are you thinking? “I can’t do this”, “It’s a waste of time”, etc. What are some healthy alternative thoughts you can think of while working on goals or relationships?
Support System: Whether it is co-workers, friends or a therapist; get around others that enjoy you and can provide you with examples of the things that you DO RIGHT as well as you asking for help from your support system when you need encouragement.
What are some ways you sabotaged yourself and how did you come back?
Published June 13, 2019
*POOF*