​Published February 12, 2018

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day approaching, let’s talk about relationships!

Published October 2, 2018




I should be here, right!?!

Imposter Syndrome and the Black Woman

Lauren Giwa, LCSW

​Published December 3, 2018 


 Pass the sage!!!!!.

Published November 1, 2018​




Loss

                                                                                                                                                                   Credit via Instagram: Komal Kapoor and Amanda Oleander
When I saw this post on Instagram, I was instantly pulled toward it. Why? Because more often than not we have experienced unhealthy relationships; romantic partners, family, friends, etc. I have a treasure trove of stories where I can pull from, but this picture reminded me of a romantic relationship in particular. This person was always around when terrible things would happen, when I was at my lowest; he wasn’t the cause of any of these misfortunes. But, he was there when there was a fallout between me and a former roommate, the death of a parent, and those feelings of doubt while I was going through graduate school. Whenever I felt as though I was losing it all, he’d step in and tell me he was there for me.

Yet, whenever things were going better for me emotionally or at school or work, the nastiness bubbled up and out of him. I then was not good enough or was reminded of my shortcomings.

We were together for a couple of years. Why did I stay? At the time I was dealing with grief. I felt as though I was drowning and keeping afloat was my only priority. As the years went on and the grief subsided, the comments, the constant criticism, and being aware of the projection of his insecurities, that began to weigh more and more on my spirit. My desire for higher self-love and self-worth began to be a priority again. The relationship ended.





From time to time he would check-in, but not from a friendly stance, but to see if he was needed again, to see if I was hurting again. The only difference was that I was able to see it and him for what it was; manipulation. I was able to remove him completely from my life because I truly believed I needed and deserved better. I refused to stay anywhere that did not serve me.

The Point: Sometimes people stick around to watch you suffer or delight in your pain. Not all who are around want to see you succeed. Not all around you want to see you whole. They are comfortable with you being cracked or broken. The reasons why they may move in that space varies; fear you may do better, that you may move on, that they are not sufficient, so they will stay around and do their best to chip away at your spirit.

 

Hopefully this will assist you in taking an inventory of who is adding to your life and those who are taking from it.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share. Leave a message for topics you want discussed in the future.
Need help? Call the Safe Horizon 24-hour hotline 1-800-621-HOPE (4673) 

Credit  Loveis Wise via Instagram

Daily people confide in me and allow me to assist in their healing, problem solving and to find them resources. There have been too many times I’d like to admit that I’ve gone months without a scheduled day off because I truly enjoy what I do. But vicarious trauma, physical and mental stress are real.

When I feel burnout brewing there are distinct things that happen to me. I’m more forgetful, not as cheerful and can sleep at a drop of a dime.  Self-care is vital for everyone, but as a provider in social service; specifically providing mental health therapy and working in the criminal justice system, it’s especially important for me to understand that I am not only applying pressure to myself physically; in potentially dangerous situations, but also mentally; hearing and processing painful experiences.

For anything that becomes popular, it becomes cliché. Self-care has been promoted to spas, international trips and brunch. Though these activities are fun and allow you to connect with your peers or disconnect from your work email, I’d recommend providers or anyone with a high stress job to consider investing in restorative self-care. 

What is restorative self-care: To restore is to re-center. And restorative self-care means you are providing for self in order to provide for your clients.

Restorative Self-Care Practices:
Meditation-Walking meditations on your commute home or traditional meditation assist in decompressing from the day.

Go To Bed- There have been a number of studies on why getting a good night’s rest is vital to your productivity, memory, mood and regulating stress levels. Create a sleep schedule that fits your life and try your best to stick to it.

Movement-Going to gym, walking in nature, and yoga are not only good for your heart, but physical activity allows you to burn off the stress from the day in a healthy manner.

Establish Boundaries-It is vital to have boundaries with your job, co-workers and the people in your life. Not doing additional activities while on break or during your free time allows you to check-in with yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Talk It Out-Vicarious trauma is real and can take a toll on you mentally and physically. Having your own therapist provides you with a safe, nonjudgmental space to disclose and is  imperative for positive mental health.

 Listen to your body-When tired, rest. Utilize those personal days to rest or do an enjoyable activity.

Find Out What Restores You-Despite me providing some restorative self-care practices, one size does not fit all. Discover what you enjoy and what pleases you and MAKE time to do it, because you are worth it!

What are some restorative practices you utilize to re-center? 

CREDIT: GOOGLE 

The holidays are upon us and even if you don’t celebrate formally, it is a time to reconnect with family and friends. The media is inundated with images of togetherness. And if you have suffered a loss, this time may be especially difficult for you.  I chose to write this post about an area that is near and dear to me.

There are a plethora of resources to assist with people who are struggling with depression or other mental illnesses that may lead to distorted thinking and wanting to engage in self-harm, but very little resources for those left behind. 

 What happens to the people who are still here after losing someone in such a tragic way?

Suicide is such a difficult topic to discuss. For the person struggling with suicidal ideations, their existence feels so overwhelming; the person may believe that life and this world would be better without them or that the pain that they feel will never subside. Or for the survivors, the thoughts of what more could they have done to keep the person here will always seem to haunt them.  

 With loss, you cannot get over it, but you can relearn to live without the person here.  You have been forever changed by this loss, but you can learn a new way of living, surviving and growing. I’ve provided suggestions for survivors to begin healing in healthy ways:

Acknowledge Your Pain: This is a shocking event to happen. Being aware of your confusion, sadness or anger allows you to begin to process your feelings also this is the foundation to the healing process. 

Seek Support:  It is common for those who have experienced such a loss to isolate, but during this emotionally draining time, seeking additional social supports is imperative to healing. Being open and honest with your thoughts and feelings with family, friends, mental health providers and support groups are ways to remain connected and support the healing process.

Be Patient: Be patient with yourself and others: those who are supportive of you as well as those who do not seem to understand. Healing takes time and honor the feelings that you are currently experiencing as there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Practice Mindfulness: Take each moment as it comes, grief has ebbs and flows.  If you are having a ‘good’ day, stay in that moment. Reflect on all of the things that are happening that is making you feel at peace. 

Establish Routine: During this time, even the simplest of tasks may seem overwhelming. Yet, beginning to develop a new routine aids in the healing process and can provide a sense of normalcy. Building in some structure can help you manage your grief.

Have Some Fun: Social events or pleasant activities can provide relaxation and a positive distraction.

Though provided with ways to manage and lessen grief, each step can happen in any order or even simultaneously. The hope is that you provide yourself the space to heal. 

For those who have loss someone to suicide or death, how have you worked on your healing?

Resources:
https://griefhaven.org/to-the-newly-bereaved/

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline   1-800-273-8255

 

Credit via Instagram: LeeAndra Cianci/Drawing_Vicariously

Currently, I’m a director at a nonprofit agency and last year my program underwent an expansion. I had to educate stakeholders on the new additions and resell my program to attorneys and judges. Ever since I began working at my agency, I’ve been in the same program, so I knew what I was talking about. But, when I had to discuss the new additions, my brain and my mouth were not on the same page. Whenever I had to speak about the additions, I could feel my entire body shaking from the inside, I could feel every taste bud in my mouth---What in the hell was wrong with me?

Imposter Syndrome was the culprit! Some may think, I have a fear of public speaking, but in reality it is feeling as though I’m not good enough to deliver such information. That who I’m presenting to won’t understand me because I’m presenting poorly, despite my knowledge of the subject at hand.  

Imposter Syndrome; in layman’s terms is feeling as if you do not belong. Your promotion, bonus, or achievement was a fluke or downplaying our achievements. In reality it boils down to anxiety, self-worth and self-esteem.

Often women of color experience imposter syndrome at a higher rate when they achieve a major goal or are successful in their career. This is due to the nature of how we received such rewards. Women of color have to work harder in order to gain the notoriety that others gain with ease. Societally, Black women are not seen and valued as equals and when they do “break the glass ceiling”, they are often isolated in white dominated spaces and feel illegitimate despite their accomplishments.

Keep in mind that IS, racial bias and patriarchy in the workplace are different things, but can happen in conjunction with one another. IS refers to an internal feeling of not being good enough and racial bias and patriarchy comes from the external forces at your place of employment; passed over for raises, ideas dismissed in meetings, etc.
For me I am supported at my place of employment, so I was able to differentiate and realize this is internal and it is imperative for me to work on this in order for me to truly work in my light. Below are some ways I uplift myself in order to chip away at self doubt.

Ways to Address and Attack IS:
Positive Affirmations- starting your day stating “I am smart and I belong”, “I’ve worked very hard to get here”, “I am valued and valuable” or placing these quotes somewhere you can see is a positive way to start your day.

Taking Compliments-practice makes perfect. When someone compliments you on a project or task, simply say ‘thank you’. Often women downplay their actions due to being taught to be humble and one should not want to be seen as a bragger. There is no harm in accepting a compliment on a job well done. As you grow in your confidence it will become easier to share how you were able to achieve said goal.

A Sense of Normalcy-It is very common for all of us to compare ourselves to our peers. Sometimes we are ahead, on the same level or not where we want to be compared to them. The key is to understand that we are all in our own time zones and if we are not where we want to be, identify barriers and return the focus back on ourselves.

Test Reality- state your accomplishments, remind yourself of all of your hard work and it is now paying off.

Seek a Mentor-finding someone who is where you want to be career or life wise may assist you in navigating such thoughts and feelings; you are not alone.
Seek Professional Help- feelings of inadequacy are common, but if you feel impaired by these thoughts and feelings or it is impacting your work/home life, finding a professional to assist you with other possible underlining issues can lead you to feeling better about yourself and your accomplishments.

Have you ever battled Imposter Syndrome? If so, what are some ways you are working toward combating it and living in your light?